Sometimes I feel like life is just like a dream. It can be a sweet dream at some point but yet, an nightmare suddenly. The only differents is that, if life is an nightmare, you can never be able to wake up from it. But the good point is, you are able to make your life to a sweetdream. Yet dream is smth you cannot control.

And yes, finally my nightmare with Alvin had ended for aboout 5 mths now. Or maybe more then that. I just cant seems to remember it clearly. As what most of the people says, you will only remember the bad times and not the good times well. Which is why i cant remember how long I had live without the presence of him. All seems like a dream to me. And its turning itself to a sweetdream now.

It's 4am in the morning. I just cant get to sleep. Ever since i broke up with Alvin, i am afraid to sleep in the dark. The bed seems so spacious now. And my pillow seems so little. I kinda miss the hug i always get when I hop into my queen size bed with him in it. Feel cold now without his arm around me. But this is the decisions that i had make. And i must bear through it.

I miss the maggie mee he cook..
I miss how he hug me..
I miss how he hold me in his arm..
But ultimately, i miss my freedom before I am with him.

What should i do when i feel lousy? I already tried eating steamboat as usual. But this time alround, it does not work. It's just like taking a lift up high floor at a high speed.. My heart sinked.

I dont want to leave where I am standing now. But then again, do i have a choice? Even if i do have a choice, do i have what it takes to protect what i want and the person I loved? Am I up to the standard I think I have?

there are so many people who love me for who i am. why am i ruining my life by being together with a guy like this. i guy who cause me misery. the only guy who make me cried in front of ppl. a guy that make me lost my way in life. a guy that trash me. a guy that change me from who i use to be. i shall not regret knowing him. i shall not regret breaking up with him. it's just myself to blame for everything. i cant blame anyone. the tears.. that i had not yet shed in front of my family since 12. he make me shed in front of them. he pushed me to my limit that i think i had lost myself. who i really were. the girl who fear nothing and the girl who always enjoyed her days in all her 20 years. until he came into my life. he crush the very last bit of standing ground for me and i am leave tangling in the middle of no where.. not knowing where should i go and who should i lean on. i need a rope. i need someone. i need a space to breath and i need audrey from year 2008. anyone, please find her for me please.................

i remember when we were young, happiness can be found so easily, so within reached, so easily contented. even the slightest thing we saw, we get, can get us happy for the entire day or even week. looking back to now, life is never contented. humans are hard to please.

i also recall one of my primary school mate telling me something about life, that we are always lacking something in our life: when we are young, we have youth, we have time, but we dont have money. when we are adult, we have youth, we have money, but we dont have time as we are working. when we became old, we have time, we have money, but we have no more youth to enjoy. after he said that, i am very much agree with it.

i feel so shag now and my brian cant even think probably what i want or have to write. and i think that this entry might seems to look a bit monotone. argh.. major hangover.

went to puiluan's birthday and after a few rounds of mahjong and poker, we decided to walk over to the nearby store and grap some drinks. and it seems like normal convenient store like econ or 7-11 doesnt sell tequila. like duh.. so we decided to settle on mild drinks like jim beam cola and some ulo brands that i didnt heard of. and trust me, the jim beam suck. by the time we finish our drinks and ben send us home, it's already 2 am. (dont feel like using the word "already", but i have no life after working office job..)

to make it even more worse by reaching home at 2am, i have to wake up at 8 in the morning the next day. alright.. i know i still can sleep for another 7 whole hours. but i need at least a 10 hours of sleep. (i admit i am pig)meet up with ite friends for gathering. well, actually it's not a gathering initially. but it somehow ended up like that. *audrey shrug. and i just feel tt if i have not go for it, none of the things would have happen. if people are unappreciated, let them be. it will just spoil your wonderful days by thinking about it and pondering about it.

after the gathering dinner, kx, eugene, shouxiang, kok, edric and me went to alph cafe for a 3 in 1 entertainment. soccer, ktv and drinks. lol. nice recommendation by kok. had a long island tea and sex on the alph (an imitation of sec on the beach but in cocktail size). small contradict about the long island tea. kok thinks that it taste like ice lemon tea, my our dear kx thinks it taste nothing at all like tea. "it's a mixture of all liquor!! eww~!" says kx. lol! back home at about 2 plus again. nobodies at home and i took out the leftover vodka to finish it. dang~ that's how the major hangover comes about. stupid. slept 4am, wakes up 6am.

P.S:
people who cant live their live without a lie in it is pathetic. i cant see why you have to lie about small matter. for the sake of fun? to make your life or story sounds more interesting? i really, really,really x infinite, hate people who tell different stories to different people. and why? what happen? why do you like every stuff tat we like when you are in front of us, but yet, in front of others, the things that you love became hate? oh, let me guess, to suit the different taste of others? you are such a bootlicker. you disgust me. and dont say i gave you attitude when you are the one who started all these crap and disgusting moves. and let me tell you something, dont say you have depression when you dont. stop being a drama queen and stop thinking that the world had owe you something. maybe you do have depression. that's why you like to think up so much stories. to think that you are an
unfortunate princess who falls into a world full of evil people and step sisters. you are such a joke. i never had anyone in my life that disgust me more then you do.
and please, dont piss people off and says that people are giving you attitude. and you thought that all the people have attitude problem. but have you ever thought that the person who have a attitude problem is you? i admit and i, myself have attitude problem. but i think you have both attitude and character problem. but then, i want to let you know,i dont hate you, i hate your moves. i really dont hate you, you just disgust me. that's all. =)

today, i broke my heart again. it had been 9 months when i first got together with him. and ever since i know him, i cannot remember the days my pillows are dry. i am really tired of everything. i have done everything i can as a girlfriend. i wait for him to finish work. even if he is having ot without telling me. i cook for him no matter how tired i am. and i thought about him before i plan my schedule. i make myself free almost everytime he is free. but he just doesnt have any spare time
for me. i tolerate anything he scold me, his smoking habit and his suspicious behaviour of having another girl outside. and he just treated me like trash. i have nothing to say. and i have no more tears to shed. it's so tiring when we both know. we both know that this relationship wont work out. what are we holding on for? because he's too old to get another girlfried? he is too lazy to say the word break?
or is it just me? hoping him to change back what he once was, a perfect boyfriend. just like how i am holding on to the unfit ring he gave me. clinging on so tight. using so much energy to keep it loosing out. i have no more energy to do all this.. i am hurt all over. physically and mentaly. is there any float to hold on to?

hey, anyone? can anyone save me from this...?